On Choice

How 2 make this tangible? How would i allow it 2 move w/the rhythms of Ur Heart & Be-ing? What will create the space 4 authentic relation w/this medium? i wish 2 explore my intents, so as 2 express that i have nothing 2 hide – that i wish 2 reside beyond the box of social relations which all of us must maneuver @ every day, through the manipulation and coercion that defines most of the interactions of our time… so far as the tangible, i would like 2 ask U 2 print this out if U’re reading this on some type of screen – making sure it’s not just something that happens N Ur head… an idea came 2 me after beginning like this – giving voice 2 how after +5 years of incarceration, i have no idea what it’s like on the outsd & therefore don’t have a strong foundation of relation other than B’n open & speaking 2 the authentic core which resides w/N all of us… … i know i can’t make change happen, at the same time it feels like i have a choice 2 create a possibility 2 affect something or some 1… the intent that initiates the beating of my Heart is 2 share w/others N a relation which moves authentic – where the walls R no longer necessary; where we can B all of who & what we R w/all of those @ us (non-humyn & humyn); most importantly w/ourselves… i wish 2 share N the openness i experienced as a child, that which i have somehow been able 2 nurture & hold space 4 along this journey – from socialization up 2 the present confines i currently am caged w/N… i don’t wish 4 this 2 B some long drawn out story getting at every nook & cranny of western culture™ – there R more than enough books on the subject, so i’ll keep it short & sweet… i’d really like this 2 B about choice, how each day each of us chooses who & what 2 nurture w/N & @ us… how it took a good # of yrs of my B’n a part of the system B4 i could put words 2 what i saw myself doing N order 2 try & succeed… i easily remember that i found myself looking over the qualities i’d been taught 2 use N order 2 advance N every field i explored, including the schooling i was taking at the time… it’d been no wonder that i’d blazed through a couple careers, only 2 shift just B4 making the longer term commitments of a managing position = i was unconsciously hoping 2 find a way of making $ w/out using manipulation, coercion & competition as the basis of relation 2 my work & the people w/N it… i perceived those qualities as B’n sociopathic – that is, relating 2 society N a pathological way… an understanding which had survived N the depths of my core posed that a community, if it is 2 B as healthy as possible, has no future if those cancerous qualities R what form the basis of relation… it was shortly after remembering this that i ran N2 a # of social critiques which provided an option i hadn’t known existed… only after i stepped bk & gave myself some space 2 heal (an ongoing process), was i able 2 once again reach out w/my feelings, open my Heart, & authentically relate 2 all that was @ me… 1 of the most profound experiences was when a friend & i walked a clear cut… words R just about the hardest thing 2 utilize N an attempt 2 describe it – the closest thing would B that it was like walking upon an open wound, 1 which i was experiencing on my own body… i’m not going 2 say it wasn’t traumatizing, but it was a step towards feeling the destruction that ends up minimized & hidden by the culture, by the society i grew up N… it also made tangible the aspects of coercion & manipulation i’d experienced on other levels = “every 1 knows dirt is just eroded rock,” “the earth is not alive,” etc… but then, where did this sensation, this feeling come from? … … there was a lot of critical reflection, unconscious as well as conscious, until i came upon a fork N the road = what (or whom) do i wish 2 nurture w/my thoughts/feelings & the actions they manifest? What does it mean 2 me once i make this choice? Having become aware of this new perspective – how could i go bk & consider myself B’n true 2 who i am? What door will i B closing if opening this other? Which choice nurtures who i truly am? What or whom do i choose 2 nurture?