October 5, 2007 Letter

i’ve been told that my conduct has been seen by some as inspirational, i’m grateful to be able to provide a source of strength to those in my family who find themselves in a time of need – more so as being a part of their process of growth and self creation… but my behavior is, in a sense, selfishly borne – my intent originates from a perspective which encompasses my family and their future generations… though, the term “family” i don’t utilize in a conventional or everyday sense – the bubble has expanded beyond the customary… it holds within it the micro and macro, all those with whom i have shared that muted and unblinking stare of understanding – be it on the streets, at a skillshare or class, concert, speech or march, rally, home-demo or a really free market – at a convergence centre, library, campsite, critical mass, on an on-ramp, alongside of a highway, at a rest stop, from a train, in a forest, a city park or square, or at a stream, river, lake, hot-spring or beach… this bubble also includes each and every one of those individual places – unique unto themselves in appearance, locality, time and energy/personality ~ as well as the non-humyn inhabitants therein, who aid in the continual self-creations of those environments… keeping that selfishness close to my Heart and mind is something i aim for – knowing that all my life i have been conditioned by our society to the contrary… during my ten days of “disciplinary isolation” last fall an idea made itself known to me ~ it was to create with that which is provided, not necessarily to its particular purpose, but to my own… this includes the pain which resides within my Heart due to the separation between us… i’ve come to see energy as the most malleable aspect of this reality, and the emotions that surge through our bodies can be utilized for any number of means and ends… painless stagnant can fester into hate and reaction – but utilized with a conscious and open intent it could nurture the catalysts required to move through our thresholds… hate is the death of joy and reaction is nothing more than unconscious reflex brought about by a certain stimulus (perceived or not) which induces predictable responses – in most cases, conceding to the terms and definitions of the initiator, allowing the stimulus to have affect, signifies it’s success… conscious creations with the cycles of growth and health do not fit into the matrix of cause and effect – their qualities and forms flow through the rigid structures that seek to encapsulate, reform, define… … i object to being pigeonholed (physically and figuratively) by cleaving to some marshal or warrioresque mantra that many have chosen when confronted with similar circumstances – what they chose is for their own personal path, what they’ve perceived as necessary for their survival… from where i stand, it feels that if i followed that train of thought i would be adhering to a path too well-worn ~ and don’t get me wrong, i honor and respect those that have come before me who continue to adhere to the wisdom in their hearts, but those known trails can also be used by others that have scouted them for weaknesses ~ if experience has taught me anything, it’s been to stick to the deer trails or create my own… another of my recent lessons has been to recognize the beneficent qualities of shape-shifting, as defined by terry tempest williams = “this has nothing to do with inconsistency. it has to do with seizing the moment, perceiving what is necessary in that moment … knowing what each occasion demands, and standing our ground in the places we live…” … but this is neither the time nor the place to fully delve into such things, for this letter has another intent… … … throughout this experience i have been in awe of the loving support given by family, known and unknown from around the country and the world, who have nourished me during this part of my journey ~ i’ve received such an inundating amount of mail that i haven’t been able to respond to it all ~ there is no concept that can adequately express my thanx and appreciation to you all… … to all of those unknown and unnamed beautiful individuals who have aided me on this case, i am impatiently waiting to thank you properly with a huge hug… … christine, i haven’t forgotten about the vegan dinner i promised… … to my counsel mark, who’s expertise in his field is unquestionable – his abilities, passion, and determination provide a wellspring of strength, especially knowing that he continues to fight for me – as he said on the 27th “it’s only the openings of the third quarter” ~ the notion of gratitude doesn’t begin to encompass the feeling in my heart, my friend, much love… … to jed, my investigator/case manager/Elder, your energies vested into this case have been the bedrock of grounded exploration, balancing the sometimes frenzied and boisterous antics that accompany markus’ high energy nature, thank you my friend… … i’d also like to thank bob, my first investigator, for his time, company and aid working on the hours upon hours of transcripts with me over that first summer (which my partner and sister painstakingly gleaned from the shockingly abhorrent quality of fbi recordings)… … the actions and aid of sac prisoner support have and continue to transcend any and all of my ideas concerning prisoner support groups and have been monumental in this experience on every conceivable front – too much love… … the Love, Support, and Understanding of my Parents and Sisters goes beyond scope, simile, and metaphor – i Love you all … … and i Feel and Know in my Heart, Body, and Soul that my survival has been impacted to an inexpressible degree by the Love and Support of my Partner ~ and the intertwining of Our Paths has brought a Depth and Quality of Life i had never before imagined to exist – my Thanx transcend language and my Love, only a Beginning… … …
my Thanx and Love 2 U All
This is far from Over
find your joy